I have often

Wondered what is truly important in my life. I have thought to myself, is this person or persons that close to me as I think, how can one begin to believe such things. I have little idea. But it is evident to myself that those whom we profess to love, or believe to love will loose those feelings in time. Much like Duchamp’s art work, he begs the question how can a person describe art when it is inherently everything. I beg that question of whom do we protect ourselves against, hold ourselves out for and wish to obtain in due time.

I spoke to a friend for the first time in weeks, and at first i was hesitant, because there was seemingly bad feelings between us. How? I know reasons why, but there was… and yet we spoke, apparently willing to give up such wishes of ill will and become friends agian. Why do this? I know no answer to this but I do beg superior powers to tell me which souls to invest time into and which will become worthless banks of time when the time is right.

Aside from that I am beginning a new sculpture based upon a world Philosophy. I picked a combination of Sum Deus Ex Machina, Hinduism, and New Age thinking. It is a figurative shape, long and thin that extends up and curves back over looking at itself in a reflective surface. I wish for it to speak upon self introspection, and perhaps it is looking upon photos of its own humanity or what it lost. … could be an interesting idea.

The great dichotomy of life…the yin, the yang….high…low…

This year has been amazing one to behold. I cannot thank my friends…family and parents enough for what I have received from them. Not only have I had the opportunities to see amazing places and learn so much , but I have met people I will never forget, should never forget.

I was asked to really become the artist i was meant to be this year, my professors posed projects to specifically make me work to my limits and endure stress beyond measure with my own pieces. I am working on one drawing now…that is a graph similiar to a pie chart but burst into many many pieces and is in 3d. Every piece a person, and a viewer can presume to find themself on this poster. By the color of the piece, the distance from the center of the graph and also the width, height, and depth of the piece can you figure out what you mean to me. So a person that has a piece that is very very tall and thin means that i respect you….but i know little about you. Where as a huge piece in every aspect has to be some one I love very much, hence my parents or best friends.

Now that took alot of time to figure out for myself, to honestly put people where I knew they needed to be, not where I wished they were. But in another class, my sculpture piece is going another direction, I must illustrate a philosphy or several, but how can I illustrate my own philosphy?…. What even is mine? That I have little idea on save a few things i tend to keep sacred, never let people down, keep your honor, and never….ever give up. There are alot of other ways i think of…but that is my starting point….

I have been looking at world philosphies, Confucianism, Hinduism, Daoist, etc…even some more New Age beliefs. Some that speak of seperating yourself from the pain and desires of the world, allowing your inner self realize its own identity. And through that reaching a higher level of living as you grow closer to the supreme spirit. Others speak of accepting everything, good and bad….every emotion and love, hate, happy, sad….etc. But is that even possible. To be truly one or the other?

I really dont think so, humans were made to be social and loving so to deny that most basic of instincts would seemingly hurt us right? But to try and soak every last morsal into your soul could overload our own senses….until we short circuit mentally. So here is where I come into the picture, I must have my own philosphy…finally decide WHAT are my rules to live on.

I think a few ones to go with …..

Silence between lovers can speak boundless words, more than any mouths could utter, why not let the mouths do something more useful than talking?

Honesty is always good, but in the correct doses

Choose your words carefully, time never stops and never repeats, much like a game of tetris, get it right the first time or don’t even try.

Speak only when it is the time to speak, if you question it…dont say it

There is always some one out there, but you usually have to fight for it

I suppose I could say that Life is a struggle and you get from it what you put in it. For every good there is a bad, and for every right, there is a wrong. If one is willing enough to throw himself fully into fate’s path….. amazing things will happen, but if you sit and wait on change, it will never come.

Utterly bewildered….

Last night was…..really good and bad for many reasons

Last night I got home to see my room mates drunk with a friend of ours and her brother playing Circle of Death. After several beers, I myself became inxoticated as well, knowing full well the consequences. but I did not realize what I would do. I did things last night that I am not proud of, my room mates similarly. It leads me to the either freedom or utter selfishness of being drunk. I both love and hate it, knowing that I will do and say things I dont normally do.  Anyways, i can explain more later. I am just really confused as to what i did means and if it means anything.

Doin Goooood

Hey, 2 crits today, wish me luck peeps

Uh..

Things have been odd here and there lately. Last night I went to a party and drank more than Ive ever done before. It was alot, and I am quite embarrassed of it, considering how badly I paid for it the next day at work. Having to get up at 7 am isn’t a good thing when youve been out all night. But at any rate, school is chugging along at a fast pace, two projects are due this sept 11th and another on the 16th. Ill be fine with them all, as well as my other two lectures.  I do begin to wonder if any one reads this blog, as no one has commented in the last month or so.

But anyways, I found some old love letters from my ex that i never received until after we had broken up. It was strange to read her words of such sincere love and affection and realize that she is probably with another and couldn’t give a shit about me right now. Talk about temporariness eh? SO i think ill use her letters in a piece, or at least do something with them. Maybe expose them to film paper and see what comes of it.

But speaking of temporariness, I find it saddening and amusing at the same time, a friend of mine (she had a crush on me back in HS) has finally gotten the guy she wanted for so long, but now they are leaving to go to separate collages. She just graduated HS obviously. Her mom really wishes she would just open herself up and accept that they will probably  not be together for long given the distances. I have to agree with her that statistically it wont happen but part of me wishes it will stick. She asked me last night for advice on long distance relationships and all i could tell her is to be prepared for alot of paranoia and jealously, she may not like it but thats what i have seen. But also to not close herself off to the prospects of other possible guys. She asked me about what if the guy does’nt care enough about her, and I flatly said, then ask him this, “what would you say if I told you i was with some one else?” Simple as it is, it covers all the bases in a single statement. The other would have little choice but to be honest. Also, she has to be prepared for the answer to that question.