Destiny

Destiny, our predetermined paths through which our lives seemingly must follow. I used to not believe in such things, I thought that we were given free will and with that, history is a fluctuating river of the human race moving through time. Given recent events I question that. My friends and family, I have become the person I am today through their intervening and guidance, but I also feel that there is alot more to this world than I can see. I feel it, moving through the grass and the air. As if the very essence of Life itself is breathing. Therefore guiding us all into inevitable ends. But also I know that I have a right to choose my path, I can decide to give up on school but why then it is so obvious that there is a greater plan for myself? Is it Karma that keeps us in check, how the evils of the world are righted in the end and why good people loose it all? if so then Karma has something instore for myself.

“Many dogs kill a hare, no matter how many turns it makes.” – Hindu Proverb. Free will and yet the predetermined path was undeniable and unchangeable.

But i feel that for many people, and I watch them follow their paths, some are clear cuts towards their lives, others are on long and winding roads that lead through heart break and remorse multiple times. So is it the free will or the person that determines the path he will take. Say that I was to choose between some one I loved and some one I hated and had to choose one to die. Free will determines it, but inevitably that loved one will survive. Free will gave me the chance to choose the other person, but it was already written who would survive. It is a strange and odd example but still pertinent.

“Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.” – unknown

“I seldom end up where I wanted to go, but almost always end up where I need to be.”- Douglas Adams

So fate can be both predetermined and made by our own actions. In one fell swoop a person can collapse his own demise into a certainty that some one will kill him, or he will do it himself. Hitler for example, once he became so evil it was only a matter of time that he was killed either by his own doing or another’s hands. And both events took place although one rather unsucessfully. Same for many famous world leaders, MLKing, a great man that angered enough people, JFK, Lincoln,Linen and many more. And yet it all seems to work itself out in the end.So does that make Fate inescapable? or moldable?

So I consider life to be this, perhaps the being we call God, Allah, Vishnu, Jehovah, Yahweh, Ra, Zeus, Jupiter….etc has a hand in our lives and kind of draws out our fates early on. But given free will, like a side road, we can break off at any time and change our own futures. But the question remains, how do you know when you are no longer following that predetermined life? Any number of changes and turns but those dogs will always catch up to you.

Trouble

It finds me to be interesting just how different our views on the common action can be. Today and in recent past my mother and I would have two opposing opinions of a similiar and infact same incident. Today she was not home and I needed to do laundry, well both washer and dryer had her clothes in them and I had to put both loads into the dryer to dry. Well seeing as how I dont have alot of time until i leave for work, i took her clothes out of the dryer, which were mostly dry and only slightly damp. So I could get mine done and go to work in a clean uniform. Well she got mad, saying that her bed is going to mildew, she has to change sheets now and the entire world has basically gone to hell because her clothes were not totally dry…..And I just now had to take mine out of the drier so she would stop her bitching, clothes arnt dry but I care not.

So back to my original sentence, how differing our views can be of the same incident.  We can take any number of things, such as a glass of milk spilling to be accident, malicous intent, spontaneous action, and still not be right or wrong. How each person participating can have differing views. Say one person is in a hurry and pushes through other people. perhaps he angers some one he pushed. Now is that first person meaning to push people out of their way? Or just a byproduct of his own eagerness to leave? And that other person is now angry perhaps thinking that he was brushed aside on purpose or by anger. So who is right, does any one have a right to be angry in these cases? But isnt this the type of misunderstandings that get people killed, or countries into war?

Look at two world hot spots   North Korea and Israel. Both counties believe they have the right to protect themselves agianst any attack. North Korea is one of the worlds last true communist dictatorships and because of that, they are shunned like Russia was from alot of the West’s help in technology and aid. But NK also rules with an iron fist making people poor and despondent. So for that, the USA sees them as an enemy, not a friend. ANd until that regime is taken down we will have little to do with them. Now onto Israel, a shining star of the Middle East with its democracy. But Israel is a brutal country that enforces such apartheid between the Arabs and Jews that only aggression is left.  And Israel fights fire with bigger fires, obliterating the enemy and any poor Palestinians nearby. We support Israel, vehemently advocate their right to their land even though the Palestinians have lived there for much longer.  To me, there are many similarities between these two countries but two opposing views. Why? :shrugs: Americans like to pick and choose our allegiences as we see profitable. Sickening thoughts indeed.

Beauty

I have been seeing around me, all kinds of beauty. From people to animals to just little objects. Its interesting to see how gorgous nature has made everything around us, and even our own species.. Simple beauty of flowers, bright colors blows my mind. Why are they made that way? What possible reason? Attract insects, but does that mean that we are attracted to the same color schemes that insects are too?

Trees, plants, both are interesting shapes, sizes. I have no idea why but it all has made me wonder what made them that way. Other things such as a guitar, the simple long necked and hourglass shape bodies that o so obviously mimics that of a woman’s own body.

Who knows why I am saying all this, ah well.

A furnace of the soul

“And the Mild Mannered Jon goes out the window”

Well in a since yes. But I have never really been mild mannered, nor have I ever been a push over. But it was only recently that I truly started standing up to people about what they wished to push me around for. Interestingly enough, thats when the word “ass” started being thrown at me. But this is not just about me but people and their motivations. We are driven but an engine that glows hot, and boils our very blood into moving our flesh and blood selves into action. For some, that boiling point is lower, others it is higher and our tolerances to the heat differ from person to person. Myself, I will put up with alot from certain people that i care about. Others I will push back with little instigation.

This brings me to work, the current source of my social life. I see so many inequalities among the staff it is ridiculous. Today I was asked to come in 2 1/2 hours early to work and I still had to close. I refused, flat out said no to the managar. I had other things to do, and I would not come in to cover for their own mistakes of not getting some one scheduled to work. Now the bad part….because I refused…the manager bullied another coworker into comming in and doing the same thing I would have been doing. This happens alot actually ive noticed. Bullying one into submitting to their will and then they slack off. But it seems to be life. To make things better I came in an hour early, had full screen of orders and i was in the hole by three more orders, asking for help repeatedly and did not receive any. Now I could see that very manager from before laughing and talking to another worker, and she ignored my pleas for assistance on the table to get orders out. It wasn’t until I went up to her and demanded it that she got mad and finally did it. Then she begged me to work tomorrow night, as I am off tomorrow. I told her I had plans with my father. She said “so?” and about an hour later she was bitching how she wanted to be home with her children.

My blood was boiling this night and I was so happy when she had gone home.

But this post is not all anger and frustration.

I spent some time today thinking about people and what I really want out of my life. In the end I wish to be happy and successful. But how is that possible? Well I feel that helping people would be a good start, as I seem to enjoy working towards a good goal but I also like the technicality of problems being solved. So that being said I always thought that being a doctor would work. One problem, I fear loosing the life of a patient. So I pursue art, a financially dangerous yet spiritually growing field of expertise.

But ive been having dreams that contradict that goal in some ways. I was teaching Art at a school some where in another country. Africa maybe, teaching children about their own culture and its own artistic nuances. Also I was married, had a son and a daughter. And happy, oh so happy. No Pixar, no Disney, no huge job working for 80 grand a year. A simple life with a wife and children teaching other children how to express their own imagination in their own cultural languages. I think to this…could I be happy with a life that simple? 3 months ago I would say no.  But after seeing how happy people can be from such simple things, and myself finding so much joy in small aspects of day to day life. I just dont know any more.  For that I am confused and I think I have lost track of what is important to myself but also seen what should be important.

excerpt

this is an excerpt from an email I sent some one I care about.

Ps...why did you ask me my opinion of bf's spoiling their girls?

and here is my full answer to it: Why us guys do that is to show love and
affection to girls that we care about. Its a guardian thing I guess and we
want to provide and make happy the woman we love. Now that isn't saying
its right but its the best explanation I have. I am sure some guys don't
know how to show the right kind of affection and are afraid the girl will
leave him so he does that as an insurance policy against it. Now I
personally follow this mantra, the guy buys dinners unless the girl says
she wants to. but then again ive done that for even my female friends. Now
gifting or what not... IF i see something that pertains to the girls
tastes... yeah Ill buy it, example, that diary i bought you. I thought it
would be perfect for you so therefore I got it for you. Now consistently
buying a girl a gift isn't something I think is good, in fact I believe it
takes the wonder of a gift away, if in fact she expects one. Now birthdays
and holidays are fair game, I think both sexes have permission to buy
gifts as they wish, but if there is lack of insight into a gift.... I
would say that isnt good for the giver.  example if I gave you a flank
steak...what the hell gift is that? Anyways before I end up babbling more,
Ill just say that in short, gifts are great but should never be overused
or risk loosing their appeal.

Stupidity

Now, I do not say that every person I work with is stupid, by no means, but there are certian people I know would be better off if their genes did not continue. THis is one such person. His name is Eli, 16 yr old goes to Walhalla HS (my almamater). Now WHS is known for its smart students and high grades. Well this boy isnt. He “worked” at zaxbys up until yesterday because he came in with out a belt, which is needed to be in uniform. He was told to go home and get one.  Well he threw a tantrum and called his daddy. His father came in about 10 min later, stormed through the door and demanded to see our shift manager. Tanya, short blond woman that is 8 months pregnant. But she can scare the shit out of anyone. So they try to intimidate her, cuss infront of customers, and bitch that this boy dos so much work, bla bla bla…. needles to say when the gen manager arrived some hours after this incident and after both people were told to leave. Frank had the cashiers write up affidavids as well as the managers that saw it. This boy….sealed his own fate because he would not get a stupid belt.  Now here is some background on little Eli, he once asked me, at 9 am on a sunday at work if i was opening up the restaurant. HE ASKED ME…..at 9 AM….2 hours BEFORE we open, i was in uniform. My reply, “no i am finishing closing from last night” We told him that a cashier had a crush on him, now if you ever seen this kid you’d know there isn’t a single girl in the county that could like him for his looks, rude…maybe but his personality isnt making up for it.  He cant even close his mouth when he breaths. This cashier was not happy when he started trying to get her number and ask her out.  We asked him to get plain sauce….among other things he cops attitudes with us at every instance we tell him to do something. We have to repeatedly instruct him how to do crap. So in finishing this post, the boy had it comming ever since he let out some racial comments concerning his views of Interracial relationships.  Needless to say I wanted to punch his mouth off his face but I kept my mouth shut knowing he would kick his own ass out of Zaxbys.  I do not like stupid people, I do not like racists, and I especially do not appreciate those that feel they can say any damn thing that pops in their head and think the constitution will defend those expelled verbal feces.  Good bye Eli

Love, Lust, and what drives us to our inevitable destinies

Invariably we all feel it. A force guiding our actions from day to day, and whether or not we choose to acknowledge it, the signs of something larger is there. Either god, goddess or the force itself, the coincidences we fall into seemingly do not add up. So we come to the emotion of Love, one of the most primal of instincts that we wish to give and recieve, it is a word that defies logic and reasoning.

So how can one describe such a word, Love? Well Love is similar to lust, much in the same way a square is a rectangle but a rectangle is not a square. You can indeed have love for a person and lust for them, but if lust drives you it is not love. So… love… agian a word of power not to be used lightly but we use it all to much it would seem. In italian there is a phrase, Tu Amore, that is I Love You. This is not a general i love you, or even a passing I do love you, this is a I LOVE YOU with all my heart and soul and would follow your spirit across the styx if but to have another moment with your glorious being. But for the english language, I love you is the same in both instances, and there is little division for one to know the differences.

So how can you know if love has struck? I thought three times that love had indeed found me but in all those instances I was either misled or completely wrong. I had fallen in love, in high school but that ended and I relized later that it was only lust, pure puppy love. Again i thought later on i had but no, we were far too different people and that would never happen. And in college I found one, and this time i believe i did fall in love but this was a sick and twisted version of love. Founded by Lust and incubated with the fires of passions. It wasnt until later that I saw what my friends had been seeing all along and that flame was extinguished.

So not to get to self pitying or rightous about something I seem to know little about i will continue to my next point. Destiny. Destiny, the inevitable end we will all meet, and I must say that love plays a huge part in our own destinies. Some of us choose to let love shape our futures and ground us before our own wings have even flapped. Others snap the chains of affection and soar so far above the human race that they may never know the touch of another soul. So two ends of a spectrum, and how does a person walk that path and choose which rout to take. I for one wish to walk my own way… but I do find others whom distracted my eyes and spirit. I have come across such an ethereal being  some time that distracted me, but i have yet to break that chain and choose not to.

To end this post, let not Lust determine your Love, but also do not allow Love to determine your destiny or you will be enslaved  to the ground when one should be trying to fly…

Virtue, Anger, Good & Evil and not to forget the cocoa butter we call guilt

Being mortal human beings we are little more evolved than the animals from which we are derived. It is a disparaging thought I know but undeniable nonetheless, we are animals on this planet, highly evolved? Yes but animals still and suspectiable to our own primal urges and drives.

The whole idea of what is right and wrong seems to be a universal law, stealing bad, helping good. But within that there is the grays of what is right and wrong. stealing for a starving poor family or helping an old man that is named Herman Geurring (leader of the SS in WWII). Ok bad example but the point is still valid.

We all have felt that in ourselves that what we do doesnt really matter as much as what others think of our actions. Oh sure saving 12 children from a fire is great but couldnt you of saved the other 45 senior citizens as well??  Along those lines we have created culture specific laws and codes to enforce our own ideas of good and bad acts. So that takes the decision out of our hands of virtues. Shooting a deer during the season good, any other time…BADDDDDD…apparently.

But then comes the gravy poured on like thick molasses known as guilt. Some of us are rather adept at shedding any feelings of it, others get so trapped under the stuff that we begin to suffocate.No real point but ive noticed that women…. girl friends and mothers tend to pour on the guilt especially well…least in my experiences anyways.  Back to my points, so is guilt good or bad? It makes humans feel bad for both doing good and bad acts but it can be used by others as a form of mental control.  Again… there is not answer only a ?

Anger is my last part, something i seem to feel alot and i know many others do too. We all have anger, but our anger reacts differently to different people. I know that my mother is especially good at pressing my red button and putting me into mr hulk mode. And yet i dont get that way with friends, or coworkers… why is that. i think that alot of us, the closer we let some one into our lives, the rawer the feelings get, the more vivid we allow ourselves to be around that person and just like a blister on the outside that dosent hurt, you know the minute you allow some one in… they posess the ability to truly hurt you and make you angry. But agian theres differing levels of anger also… I myself go from annoyed to pissed off and many people just think im being quiet. Others ive seen at work let everyone know how they feel, by ranting and raving right there in the open and in view of the public. Now i have been known to do that as well, but i try to keep my anger under control.

Ill finish this post now otherwise i will psychoanalyze every human emotion.

laters

Power

The art of having undeniable power, but what is that power? Would being able to control every thing in existence a sure fire way to make ones own soul into a black heart corrupted? I am not so sure, Lincoln once said, any man can withstand adversity but the real way to test his character is to give him power. Watch what he does with it and that is the path to light or darkness he will undoubtedly be taking. I often envision myself with powers… from the simple flight to full blown telekinesis that can alter the very structure of atoms to mountains. But also the power of persuasion, insight into your companions, or foresight are all mortal skills we can possess. If worked hard enough for it of course. One just has to watch others and remeber what they do, understand their motives for doing such actions and you can derive many meanings. Such as what they may do in the future or even understand that person in greater detail than before. And using your understanding… one can speak to that person in a way others cannot and thus persuade them to join your cause or your manipulations. Sounds like the beginnings of an evil person… Yea it does but also one can use those skills for good also. Save some one from themselves and try to improve the lives of others.

Dream

So i had a strange dream last night, not unusual Im sure but here it is:

It starts out I am in a class, and within this class I am looking for a certian some one. The subject is history I believe and upon my desk are jewels, infact ALOT of jewels. I dont know why but there is. So the class ends and she leaves the room and i am trying to find her again. but also trying to find out where the jewels are supposed to go to. One kid is trying to steal them but I stop this boy and hide them. So me and her go to our next class only to see the students doing yoga, but instead of faces, they have tubes comming out of both sides of their face. Weird huh….