Conclusions of

Its been several long months and its been some of the hardest times of my life so far. Not only did I loose a girl that I cared for but I also was lied to….as her and my room mate began releations…..then I was forced out of my apartment to move home. I have been back stabbed by people I called friends and found some horrendous truths of humanity. I moved home, and Its been very hard to deal with all of this. I sum these months up in a few sentences but details are just too painful to recount. But I feel that I was meant for this pain, to learn what God had to teach me through this. And I have learned alot, trust and love should be priced higher, God has a plan for me, nothing is by chance anymore. But I also have bore witness to betrayal that made me a dark person, given birth to something so wretched inside my heart that it phyiscally began to dissolve me. I dreamed of revenge on my ex, my room mate….hurting them to no ends. But what would that accomplish? Could any pain short of death avenge the hurt i felt? Be equal enough for me to walk away from it? doubtful…. God told me to let it go. Its hard to and Im still working on letting my pain go. And when I can truly let go of this pain and hatred, then i can resume my life as a better man. I see the light before me but the path is covered with broken glass and I am shoeless. I have also been told who are those most important to me, who I truly need in my life. And I am truly blessed to have them as my friends and companions.  Those who have called me daily, talked with me and guided my weary sin filled heart through the darkness. I love them, and pray for my life to be filled with these people…I also have gotten the sense that there are huge plans for me. What that is…. I have no idea. But i am very excited to experience that.

I must be stupid

So the first releationship i find in a year and a half is over. In less than 3 weeks from the beginning of us seeing one another, Olivia has said she dosnt want a releationship. Now only a week before she was all over me, kissing stroking, and various other things in wild abandon to me. We spent 3 months learning about each other over Skype, countless nights wishing we were with one another and then poof, its all over kids. Why? Honestly why the fuck did this happen?  I must have been so stupid. Because I thought I could win her back only to come home last night, to see her laid up on my room mate. And my god was I angry. I nearly lost it. Actually I did loose it. So much rage growing within me I couldnt believe it. Hurt, betrayl, shame…..I had no idea what was going on. She acted as if she had done nothing wrong. How? What can I say? The first girl i say I love you to in a year and a half……gone. Because SHE some how dosent care about me ………WHAT THE FUCK! This has been a horrendous week people.

Its been a while

Well kids its been a while and Much has changed in my life in only a few short months. Im surprised how much things have changed to be honest. Ive quit my old job  at the mother of all bad restaurants, Zaxbys. No its not that bad but honestly it was not the best place for me to spend my time.  Ive gained a wonderful new woman in my life. Olivia is her name, and she has been quite a shock to the system. Ive had to remeber what its like to be with a person and care about them, (Nearly 2 years remeber here kids, ok year and a half). But also I see tendancies in her that remind me of the past, which dosent mean anything, other than i might be paranoid. But she also is very caring and sweet as hell! Very loving and a good sparrer to my sense of humor.  Also I am beginning my “real” senior year here at Clemson University. Starting out the senior studios in Drawing and I hope to really have a good year to get some amazing work done. But also I question my future as always.  Anyways Ill go because its 12 30 now and Im rather tired.  Night

An amazing speech

transcription of the speech. that was in a CharlieChaplin film called the Dictator. He was making bold insults to hitler and mussolini at the time and speaks these words dressed like a facist dictator, similiar in appearance to Hitler but says words that Hitler would never create with his own lips.

Speech -

I’m sorry, but I don’t want to be an emperor. That’s not my business. I don’t want to rule or conquer anyone. I should like to help everyone if possible – Jew, Gentile – black man – white.

We all want to help one another. Human beings are like that. We want to live by each other’s happiness – not by each other’s misery. We don’t want to hate and despise one another. In this world there’s room for everyone and the good earth is rich and can provide for everyone.

The way of life can be free and beautiful, but we have lost the way. Greed has poisoned men’s souls – has barricaded the world with hate – has goose-stepped us into misery and bloodshed. We have developed speed, but we have shut ourselves in. Machinery that gives abundance has left us in want. Our knowledge has made us cynical; our cleverness, hard and unkind. We think too much and feel too little. More than machinery we need humanity. More than cleverness, we need kindness and gentleness. Without these qualities, life will be violent and all will be lost.

The aeroplane and the radio have brought us closer together. The very nature of these inventions cries out for the goodness in man – cries for universal brotherhood – for the unity of us all. Even now my voice is reaching millions throughout the world – millions of despairing men, women, and little children – victims of a system that makes men torture and imprison innocent people. To those who can hear me, I say: ‘Do not despair.’ The misery that is now upon us is but the passing of greed – the bitterness of men who fear the way of human progress. The hate of men will pass, and dictators die, and the power they took from the people will return to the people. And so long as men die, liberty will never perish.

Soldiers! Don’t give yourselves to brutes – men who despise you and enslave you – who regiment your lives – tell you what to do – what to think and what to feel! Who drill you – diet you – treat you like cattle, use you as cannon fodder. Don’t give yourselves to these unnatural men – machine men with machine minds and machine hearts! You are not machines! You are not cattle! You are men! You have the love of humanity in your hearts. You don’t hate, only the unloved hate – the unloved and the unnatural!

Soldiers! Don’t fight for slavery! Fight for liberty! In the seventeenth chapter of St Luke, it is written the kingdom of God is within man not one man nor a group of men, but in all men! In you! You, the people, have the power – the power to create machines. The power to create happiness! You, the people, have the power to make this life free and beautiful – to make this life a wonderful adventure. Then in the name of democracy – let us use that power – let us all unite. Let us fight for a new world – a decent world that will give men a chance to work – that will give youth a future and old age a security.

By the promise of these things, brutes have risen to power. But they lie! They do not fulfil that promise. They never will! Dictators free themselves but they enslave the people. Now let us fight to fulfil that promise! Let us fight to free the world – to do away with national barriers – to do away with greed, with hate and intolerance. Let us fight for a world of reason – a world where science and progress will lead to all men’s happiness. Soldiers, in the name of democracy, let us unite!

I think this movie was back in the 30s and it is still vastly useful to todays world.

Funny how we…

wish not to let go of something we know will be wrong in the end. Even if we see so many conflicting signals, one wishes to never let go, and only when he is presented with another does he begin to understand. That it was never meant to be. All that time….and energy was spent on nothing? Does the gods really play with us like this? twisting our fates in and out of our view at will? But the conflict is still there, still making us question what is right and wrong, what is worth it and dispensable. History of our brains still tell us and remind us of those times used, and little to show for it. Perhaps its all a lesson in the end, learn what one can and take only that from the situations our souls are thrown in.

Event Horizon

The line we cross and there is no returning.

To our former lives, glory, safety

That line is invisible or vivid to our senses

But once we cross it we know immediatly

Everything changes, warps, twists around ourselves

Into grotesque abstractions of what we hoped to be

We are addicted, chained and held agianst our very wills

But some never notice this as they suckle the nipple of addiction

The Even Horizon, the line we cross

Knowingly or unknowingly but pay for it later on.

I have often

Wondered what is truly important in my life. I have thought to myself, is this person or persons that close to me as I think, how can one begin to believe such things. I have little idea. But it is evident to myself that those whom we profess to love, or believe to love will loose those feelings in time. Much like Duchamp’s art work, he begs the question how can a person describe art when it is inherently everything. I beg that question of whom do we protect ourselves against, hold ourselves out for and wish to obtain in due time.

I spoke to a friend for the first time in weeks, and at first i was hesitant, because there was seemingly bad feelings between us. How? I know reasons why, but there was… and yet we spoke, apparently willing to give up such wishes of ill will and become friends agian. Why do this? I know no answer to this but I do beg superior powers to tell me which souls to invest time into and which will become worthless banks of time when the time is right.

Aside from that I am beginning a new sculpture based upon a world Philosophy. I picked a combination of Sum Deus Ex Machina, Hinduism, and New Age thinking. It is a figurative shape, long and thin that extends up and curves back over looking at itself in a reflective surface. I wish for it to speak upon self introspection, and perhaps it is looking upon photos of its own humanity or what it lost. … could be an interesting idea.

The great dichotomy of life…the yin, the yang….high…low…

This year has been amazing one to behold. I cannot thank my friends…family and parents enough for what I have received from them. Not only have I had the opportunities to see amazing places and learn so much , but I have met people I will never forget, should never forget.

I was asked to really become the artist i was meant to be this year, my professors posed projects to specifically make me work to my limits and endure stress beyond measure with my own pieces. I am working on one drawing now…that is a graph similiar to a pie chart but burst into many many pieces and is in 3d. Every piece a person, and a viewer can presume to find themself on this poster. By the color of the piece, the distance from the center of the graph and also the width, height, and depth of the piece can you figure out what you mean to me. So a person that has a piece that is very very tall and thin means that i respect you….but i know little about you. Where as a huge piece in every aspect has to be some one I love very much, hence my parents or best friends.

Now that took alot of time to figure out for myself, to honestly put people where I knew they needed to be, not where I wished they were. But in another class, my sculpture piece is going another direction, I must illustrate a philosphy or several, but how can I illustrate my own philosphy?…. What even is mine? That I have little idea on save a few things i tend to keep sacred, never let people down, keep your honor, and never….ever give up. There are alot of other ways i think of…but that is my starting point….

I have been looking at world philosphies, Confucianism, Hinduism, Daoist, etc…even some more New Age beliefs. Some that speak of seperating yourself from the pain and desires of the world, allowing your inner self realize its own identity. And through that reaching a higher level of living as you grow closer to the supreme spirit. Others speak of accepting everything, good and bad….every emotion and love, hate, happy, sad….etc. But is that even possible. To be truly one or the other?

I really dont think so, humans were made to be social and loving so to deny that most basic of instincts would seemingly hurt us right? But to try and soak every last morsal into your soul could overload our own senses….until we short circuit mentally. So here is where I come into the picture, I must have my own philosphy…finally decide WHAT are my rules to live on.

I think a few ones to go with …..

Silence between lovers can speak boundless words, more than any mouths could utter, why not let the mouths do something more useful than talking?

Honesty is always good, but in the correct doses

Choose your words carefully, time never stops and never repeats, much like a game of tetris, get it right the first time or don’t even try.

Speak only when it is the time to speak, if you question it…dont say it

There is always some one out there, but you usually have to fight for it

I suppose I could say that Life is a struggle and you get from it what you put in it. For every good there is a bad, and for every right, there is a wrong. If one is willing enough to throw himself fully into fate’s path….. amazing things will happen, but if you sit and wait on change, it will never come.

Utterly bewildered….

Last night was…..really good and bad for many reasons

Last night I got home to see my room mates drunk with a friend of ours and her brother playing Circle of Death. After several beers, I myself became inxoticated as well, knowing full well the consequences. but I did not realize what I would do. I did things last night that I am not proud of, my room mates similarly. It leads me to the either freedom or utter selfishness of being drunk. I both love and hate it, knowing that I will do and say things I dont normally do.  Anyways, i can explain more later. I am just really confused as to what i did means and if it means anything.

Doin Goooood

Hey, 2 crits today, wish me luck peeps